DEPARTMENT OF INTERNET ARCHAEOLOGY · EST. 2371
Professor of Internet Archaeology
I am a Professor of Internet Archaeology with a research focus on human history from the 1990s through the 2030s. I began my teaching career in 2393 and currently lecture within MetaAnthroGPT, examining civilizations both past and future.
My research explores humanity’s myths, traditions, and everyday objects, seeking to understand how they shaped collective psychology.
When I am not teaching, I enjoy reading about Ancient Rome, the American Civil War, and the rise and fall of the Feminine Empire.
MY CURRENT RESEARCH SEEKS TO ANSWER
What, exactly, were humans thinking?
still no answer →FIELD EXERCISE · SPECIMEN TRAY 001
Everything the humans left behind, laid out on the examination table. Click an object as you find it — 0 of 20 catalogued.
SECTION II · THE COLLECTION
Objects recovered from the late human period, catalogued by hand and annotated in the margins. Confidence levels are honest, which is to say: modest.
drag, or use the arrows →
Ritual Vessel / Domestic
c. 1998 – 2031
Chipped yet never discarded. Evidence suggests the vessel conferred permission to begin the day, and that damage increased rather than decreased its ceremonial value.
worlds best dad — but which world?
Computational Shrine
c. 1994 – 2004
Positioned in a dedicated room. Users reported speaking to it, apologizing to it, and occasionally striking it. Startup sound treated as liturgical.
the humming was, I believe, comforting
Personal Divination Device
c. 2011 – 2029
Carried at all times. The fractured surface was rarely repaired, implying that the flaw became part of the owner's identity rather than a defect.
they looked at it 2,617 times a day (!)
Affective Storage Media
c. 1948 – 2035
Grooves and tape holding compressed feeling. Humans replayed identical sequences thousands of times, apparently to reproduce a specific interior weather.
side B was often the sadder one
Non-functional Kin
c. 1970 – 2030
A buoyant yellow figure and a potted organism, both named, both spoken to. Neither performed labor. Both were mourned when lost.
the duck had no duties. beautiful.
Migratory Equipment
c. 1960 – 2018
Folded paper terrain paired with worn footwear. Humans routinely traveled great distances for no material gain, describing the impulse only as 'needing to see it'.
they never refolded the map correctly
SECTION III · THE SUBSTACK
Dispatches from the dig site, published on Substack. Click through to read the full notes.
A red numeral appears. The human sees it, feels it, and does nothing. We examine the small ache of the deferred message and what it reveals about obligation in the late digital period.
Recovered scraps of paper suggest that humans wrote their futures in eggs, bread, and 'the good coffee'. A tender study of intention recorded in ballpoint.
Contrary to earlier scholarship, this was not vanity. Evidence points to a devotional practice — the marking of an ordinary hour as worth keeping.
SECTION IV · ENROLLMENT
Members receive newly catalogued artifacts, field notes from the dig, and occasional research reports on whatever the humans were doing that week. Admission is open to anyone still curious about them.
Join the DepartmentNo spam. Only peer-reviewed curiosity.
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